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My things

All my cleaning contracts are overdue and i'm letting everyone down, I need to email *everyone*, I've got no money, and I'm starting at uni soonsoon. Everyone has been so nice and supportive, and I want to thank everyone for the whip round and for saying nice things to me, and especially Maddie has been so good to me, but since I got back the only people i've seen are Poggs and Robin and I don't want to seem ungrateful for everyone but all I want to do is lie in the foetal postion on my bed watching children's movies and obsessing about how I should be with mum.

I should get up and have a shower and go clean everyone's houses and I should go and speak to the benefits office, and sort out my uni stuff and call that guy from hackspace and we need to go do syn's place. And there's lots of things to do at mum's, and we need to sort out what we're doing with the cats and with the house, and we need to sell everything, and I've got loads of stuff that I want to get rid of as well, because my life is too full and I think I should have fewer things. But i've got no reason to be stressed, becuase all i'm doing is lying on my bed in the foetal position and watching children's movies. Also, I need to get some excersize and eat fruit and vegetables and stop smoking. And pick up my prescription from Boots in Oxford circus. And go to the dentist.

Also, I have to fill out the form for that guy so we can donate mum's brain, and the form that goes with it for the post mortem which I don't really understand, and we need to find out when we'll get the bits that are left after the donation back, and decide whether we're going to cremate and then work out where we should go for that, then sort out some kind of service for the religious folk in the village, and then sort out a plot at Epping for the rest of us, and find someone to take both services, and somewhere to hold the wake and buy some fireworks.

Anyway, the point is, thank you for all being amazing while I've been away. I am now back in London for a bit, but I really feel like I should be there. Mum is unconsious and unresponsive, and I'm tired and sad and my brain is full.
You guys had a whip round for me. You're lovely.
Maddie sent me presents from Amazon and lots of people have said nice things to me and Elin came round to look after Bibbett while Poggs was away and Poggs is being very understanding about me not really being around to look after the place and that I might not be able to pay my rent next month (btw poggs, I might not be able to pay my rent next month) and Robin missed his dance class to hang out with me on Monday night, and bought me takeout and got me drunk. You are all lovely too. And Red kept coming to birmingham to rescue me and made me stay in swish hotels and has been generally awesome.
I'm sorry if you're waiting for me to come round to clean your flat, or for me to turn up to a social thing, or something. I can't come to work because I'm lying in the foetal position on my bed.

Some things

  • Nice night at the last Betty Ford last night. Although, I'll admit there are a few blank spots, and apparently I had to be propped up to keep me from falling over towards the end. A few familiar faces (no names though) and some nice new people.
  • I have dome some paintings, and some of them aren't terrible. This bodes well.
  • I have an appointment at the Whittington colcoscopy clinic on Monday morning to have my bits poked at. This is less good, but I'm sure everything will be ok in the end.
  • I was very brave on Friday and went to the ladies ponds on the heath on my own and swam and sunbathed and everything. Was lovely.
  • Tonight, I *may* be going swing dancing, of all things. Lets see whether I actually get out of the house, shall we?

My life has become small

Things I've done today:
  • Filled out JSA form online
  • Collected a dustbin from a nice lady on Freecycle.

Dust bins cost about 15 quid! this is an outrage.
Later, naughty indian takeout (cos I saved 15 quid on the dustbin, obviously) and Get Him To The Greek.

Mum is in hospital. It's all a bit shit.

That is all.

Some things


Have been neglecting my LJ and the new blog (and my friends and my school work and my mother) for the last few weeks. Just haven't felt like being a person really. Have been depressed, but sort of didn't notice so just been getting on with it really.

Last day at jobplace tomorrow, then there will be time, oh there will be time.
I intend to:
  • Do a lot of revision, then pass my Chemistry exam
  • Read some books
  • Do some voluntary work at the homeless shelter that just opened in Holloway, or for the NHS, depending on who gets back to me soonest
  • Paint things
  • See mum
  • Sort my shit out
  • Restart operation Stop Being All Wobbly in preparation for Secret Garden Party
  • Get some more cleaning work
  • Look into signing on
  • Sort out applying for NHS bursary, student loans, grants, student current accounts, and generally make a nuisance of myself with my hat in my hand until someone gives me money to be a student with.
  • Decide what to study till Sep. Thinking that some anatomy might be useful. Or biochemistry (yawn). If anyone has any relevant books and things, that would be awesome...
  • Go to the pub and see you guys.

My mum is amazing and says she will pay my fees. That's a big load off my mind, but having spoken to some current students on the course, working isn't going to be an option in my fisrt year so I will need to find fags and baked beans money from somewhere.

Possibly after the end of the month (they're paying me until the end of my month's notice) I will try to get proper paid employment again, but since I've only got till 22nd September and I don't lie, I'm not holding my breath that anyone will want me. I've applied for a good sized handful of temp jobs and heard nothing back. Blah.

Have decided that I will keep my expensive gym membership until the very last minute, then sign up at the council-run place when I heave a student card. Budget depending, obviously. There is a gym in the Uni, but i'm scared of working out with people I know.

Today, I have nothing to do, so I am making little origami people that I found on the internet. C'est la vie

Dead fish :(

I inherited a big tropical fish tank via Ruth and Paul as a late birthday present a couple of weeks ago.
It was *disgusting* and smelled bad and was *full* of lethargic fish and millions of tiny water snails.


We saved as many as we could and cleaned everything up, and I now have an awesome free fishtank :D

...but I've found 3 dead ones in the last 3 days :(

Took a smaple of water to the beautiful one-eyed girl at the aquarium shop by the office today for testing. She said it's probably just because the bacteria in the filter isn't coping well yet. There were low levels of ammonia and nitrites that my dipsticks hadn't picked up.

So the fish are officially on a 2 day fast to let things settle down again, then I have to take another sample in to her next week to see how things are going.

Poor fish.

Scored an interview at Kings College on 3rd March, with the Nutrition & Dietetics dept. This is definately my first choice, but it's really competetitve. Went to an open day last year and they said there were 20 applicants for every place on my course.  Bricking it. Have to be amazing.

I have done that weird thing to my jaw again. Overenthusiastic gum chewing, as an outlet for stress. It sort of half popped out of place and won't pop back in again, so I can only open my mouth a tiny bit without it hurting. You'd think that would stop me filling my face with cake, but apparently not.

Got all sorts of things to do for school. Found out that the extra modules, laughingly entitled 'Personal Progress and Development'  and 'Study and Research Skills' are in fact compulsory and not optional, as I had assumed. So, I have to write 'reflections on learning and exam technique' and give them my revision timetable for 2 modules, and write a careers essay (apparently "I don't want to do filing for a living anymore" doesn't cut it) along with some other stuff, and hand it all in in March. Right around exam time. Deep Joy.

Also, still with the lots of new material to get through and assignments and stuff. Basically, I'm either at work, doing chemistry, whining, or asleep.

I am tired, overeating, alternately sad and stressed (sometimes both), hermitting and poor.
Plastering a smile on anyway and trying hard to pretend that all is cool in the hope that it will make everything cool, and actually, it does help. I mean, we're all tired, and it's the end of February so none of us are exactly at our shiniest, but there's nothing for it than to grit our teeth and soldier on. It'll be April soon, and everything will look a lot easier.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

no money, no time


Things, they are afoot.
  • We are booked to go to a snowboarding festival in April. Very. Excited. Although, have never actually snowboarded, so really hoping I take to it. Have plans to go to a training day thing at the Hemel Hempstead slopes (birthday present from Red) soon.
     
  • Had to cancel plans to go to Edinburgh for xmas shopping and awesomeness due to budget problems. As it happens, I have put away quite a chunk of money in the last couple of months. Have been working my backside off and scrimping, and it has worked... but I have to pretend I don't have that money cos I'm trying to save it for Uni things next year. It's nice though, to now be working in an effort to not die later, rather to not to die now.
     
  • I haven't been to the gym in months. All the time that I haven't been working or sleeping, I have basically just been eating pie, and I'm really feeling it. All that hard work, and now I'm back to not beeing able to run for the bloody bus. As of Wednesday, i'm now in training for snowboarding, which will hopefully give me some inspiration to get fit again.
     
  • Still trying to find new, better paid job for the next year. Having trouble finding to time and the mondspace to deal with it though. Starting to think it might be better to stay in this job till I go to Uni - at least it's a known quantity, and it's not challenging particularly. It means I still have some energy left by the end of the day to do my other work, which I'm not sure i'd be able to do if I had to actually think during the day...

I need help being a girl sometimes

I have an interview tomorrow (yay!) and I'm being a big girl about it. I don't know what to wear.

I have the opinion that the days of the interview suit are over (for girls anyway. Yes I know that's sexist, but we're allowed a greater range of clothing options by society for some reason). Am I right? Do I need to dig out a matching tousers/jacket combination? or can I get away with a smart pair of trousers and a smart top, and maybe a cardigan or something?

I have a feeling the office I'm going to might be quite big on smart. It's Visa in Paddington...

thoughts?

Faglessness progresses

Had one sneaky fag last night, again sitting in my room with coffee, trying to relax before I did my Biology homework. After work, when I'm not doing anything else is definately my most difficult time. Still much better though: B-
No idea how i'm going to get through the weekend.
I've started buying things. I think this is some kind of financial self-harm thing. Like if I can't hurt myself by smoking, i'll jolly well make myself broke and starving instead.
Took 2 pairs of work trousers back to the shop this afternoon, but I'm keeping the tops because I do sort of need them and they're good quality and will last, unlike the crappy Peacocks ones I've been wearing for the last few months.

Also getting through an inordinate amount of chewing gum and chocolate. The gum is fine I guess, but since I've been thinking about cancelling my gym membership soon due to notime issues, I'm going to need to review the chocolate intake. Also - my poor, cholesterol-laden arteries.